My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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