You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
