Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
