you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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