You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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