I want you more than these girls want KFC
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
