Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
