Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
