there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
