So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
