Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
