nut hugger
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
