whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize