i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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