how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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