LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
