In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
