Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize