I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
