i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Randomize
