I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
