So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
