watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
