btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
