Got a toothbrush?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
