Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
