And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
