I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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