Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
