my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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