everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
