just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
