mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
