The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
