If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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