So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
