I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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