So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
