sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize