does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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