had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
