Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
