I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
