Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
ugly people sure do ruin things
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
