I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
