we have pet lesbian snakes
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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