i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
