Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
