my soul wont recognize me after tonight
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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