In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
