My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
