i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
