One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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