so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
