i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
