overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
