Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
