I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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