:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
im about as happy as oj after his trial
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
